I've been catching up on friends' blogs and I have to say I am impressed. I really need to be more consistent, it would probably help me process my thoughts. It's neat to read they're thoughts and experiences and compare them to my own. Life has seemed to fly by the last while and has left me quite reflective. I have thought back a lot on the past year and everything that has changed for me. Now, don't get me wrong~most of it has been good, wonderful actually, but life-changing nonetheless.
In the last year I have lost my father, lost my grandfather, purchased a home and moved, married, changed jobs, and gained a puppy. Mind you that wasn't all, there have been plenty of events and happenings that have been very significant but that was an illustration of the whirlwind.
We are nearing the year mark of the loss of my Dad (Grandpa too, they were only days apart). You know, I didn't actually know him too well- due to particular circumstances. He faced some rough obstacles in his life which kept him somewhat at a distance to me. I was lucky though that in the years before the illness happened I was able to begin to glimpse who he really was. I always knew this about him though: He loved me. I absolutely came first to him which was why he kept me at a distance from the world he lived in. He wanted the world for me. When he did get sick, it was hard. I was angry that it happened when it did, when I was finally getting to know him. We had high hopes of his recovery for quite a while, but sadly he never really returned after the first few months. He suffered. His dignity was taken as each ability and process left him. They are still unsure exactly what it was that he had. I should have been better in visiting him (His wife and mother never faltered, I don't know how they handled it) it was so painful. It's hard to watch someone slowly disintegrate, you can't even let yourself remember who they really are or you lose it. You have to pretend they are no different while knowing nothing is truly the same. I am really good at avoiding pain, so that's what I did. I guess we all deal with things the best we can but I hope he knows that even though I was weak, I love him. I was relieved when he died. I know that sounds horrible but it was so awful to see him like that and (selfishly) my wedding was not far away and I wanted him to see it. The only way that would have happened was they way it occurred. My last visit is forever etched in my heart. He moved for me. He was weak and had not eaten in a while and had not moved of his own accord for about 3 days they told me, but when I walked in his hand reached for me. Truthfully, no one knows how much he comprehended by this time but I would like to think that his spirit saw it. I showed him my bridal pictures and he cried, along with myself and his amazing wife. I had a few moments alone with him where I was able to tell him that it was okay if he left and that we would all be alright. Maybe he didn't need or even understand anything that happened that day, but it was peaceful. He died about 36 hours later.
We (the family) survived the funeral quite well. We were actually able to mourn the man he really was, not what the illness had made him. Grandpa wasn't doing so well, though. He had lost his oldest son. I'm not sure the reason he had to join him, but I'm sure there was one. Losing Grandpa was the shock, it happened 6 days after my Dad. If my family wasn't made up of the amazing people it is, I have no idea how we would have endured. It was also through all of this that I knew, without any doubt, how amazing my (now) husband is. The experience made me (I think most of us) appreciate our family and each second with them. This part of my family is more important to me than they know. They have never wavered and always remained solid. They allow no one to go to far before they are pulled in by the love they show. I have always been someone that mattered and was allowed weakness to them. I don't let them see it enough, but I really love them.
I didn't think I would write this much but I still have to get to one more thing before I head off to dreams. My husband. I was petrified of marriage (ask why and you'll get a saga so...) but Mark changed that. He was so certain, so solid. He never let me give up. Tonight he was given a blessing by his brother-in-law. I saw my husband through different eyes for a moment. He is exceptional. I looked at him and saw the most incredible potential! I still wonder how he chose me. We have been looking ahead to the years of school and tight finances but I was filled with peace and calm. It will work out. Mostly because he is amazing and drags me along. He also has this unbelieveably incredible family. ALL of them. Not only that but they have accepted me so readily with such open arms. I must seem a little strange to them sometimes but it is just so new to me to have such a "normal" loving family. They are like my Dad's family but with me as a sibling in full. I hope someday they'll know what that means to me.
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