I am one of those people that LOVE the goal-setting part of the new year. It is exciting and refreshing to take a step back and look at what has improved, what needs improving, and have some (albeit at times, little) hope of improvement.
Not long before 2012 met our lives I had an experience, small really, that made me realize that
#1 I am not exactly who I
really want to be, I mean the version of myself that I believe is actually possible and the best me and
#2 I have been chasing that
other me in so many ways.
I don't know exactly how to explain it but it is somewhat akin to wanting to be like people in high school. Then, it was to fit in. Now, well, I think it is what I believed somewhere deep inside would make me okay. That I would not be so different or broken if I became that person. I realized I was wanting to be someone that really I am not and shouldn't be. So, I listed who I really want to be in each of the roles that I fill in my life. Some of them are dream roles, but a girl's gotta dream, right? The difference is they are MY dreams of ME not what I think someone else wants me to be. In the end, I made goals centered on getting to that person. I tried to make them in baby steps that I could handle so I wouldn't burn out.
I have been needing to write at least this for the last, oh, 12 days or so. But I made goals and jumped into the new year. I really had to hit the ground running and run I did. I won't bore you with my goals or any updates on them. I just want to focus on one.
One of my (long-term) goals is to one day be a REAL photographer. I don't know if I ever want to make a real business out of it yet or if that is even a possibility in a rather flooded market where I live. I want to be a photographer that catches moments with friends and family and turns out pictures that people would keep and adore. I want to make Grandpa Loren proud.
So as part of my Christmas. I went to a photography workshop given by this lovely lady:
(Thank you
Libby!)
I learned a lot. (Which is not really shown much in this post sorry they will get better!)
I was so excited!
My goal for the upcoming year/few months was to do a weekly photo challenge. I know that many do the daily kind but let's be honest. It won't happen. I guess I need to work up to it. The plan is/was to have one edited picture a week.
Yet it is week 2 and nothing.
Life got REALLY crazy very quickly when I returned to work. The pressure is on and we are moving. I was/am just hanging on. I kept putting it off.
Then, reality hit and hit hard. It was even harder to post or even consider pictures, editing, anything. There is just so much pain in the lives of those around me that I love dearly. I wanted to focus on helping. I hate this overwhelming film of sadness on everything right now.
But tonight I ran into an old co-worker and his wife. As we were catching up I learned that his daughter and son-in-law were the couple that was hit by a drunk driver on Christmas Eve with their two sons in the car. One of the boys passed on Christmas. His grandma watched my son tonight and told me that he looked just like that little boy, acted like him too. She cried and asked if she could hug him. Of course I said yes, hugged him tighter myself too.
I left feeling sick. The thought of losing Graham was there. I hurt for that family even more than before. If everything else hadn't already brought on an overpowering sense of extreme gratitude this sure did. I was afraid to sleep, because it has been hard to come by in the last few days worrying over everything else but I don't know if I could handle the dreams that this would bring on. So I decided to try working on some pictures. I decided to find me again under all of this.
And I did.
I looked and the little face of my sweet child and loved him more. I felt peace.
I love this little boy, his silly faces, his sweet voice, his curiosity, his kisses, his hugs, his love, his imagination, everything... more than I have words. I am so glad to be able to have built towers with him tonight, counted his cars, read a story, and kissed him goodnight. I am so grateful for the lessons he teaches me each day.
I guess me becoming a photographer has a deeper root in who I am than I really knew.
I had to add this, it isn't my best (none of these are actually...) but really, he makes up for that. This is him with his Cars slippers, Spongebob backpack, and hat from Aunt Joyce on his scooter. He stayed like this all morning one morning. I love this kid!!
